"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." Lily Tomlin

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy - in a jar on my desk." Stephen King

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." George Carlin

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." Les Dawson

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." George Burns

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." David Letterman

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." Jim Carrey

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." Jerry Seinfeld

"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love." Woody Allen

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less." Brendan Francis

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." Rita Mae Brown

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

"All good things in life are either immoral, fattening or overpriced." Rajavi Kejriwal

"I can't decide if indecision is good or bad." Russell Causey

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." Jackie Mason

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation The other eight are unimportant." Henry Miller

"It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich." Alan Alda

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." Sacha Guitry

"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids." Does this mean that the other three enjoy it?" Sal Davino

"I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me." Homer Simpson

"There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson." Bart Simpson

"Bart, stop pestering Satan!" Marge Simpson

"Attention to health is life greatest hindrance." Plato

"Plato was a bore." Friedrich Nietzsche

"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal." Leo Tolstoy

"I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy." Ernest Hemingway

"Hemingway was a jerk." Harold Robbins

"Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level
wouldn't cure." Ross MacDonald